For no good reason, I wrote this post back in 2013 and then never published it. I think I just wanted to add more cute Tweets to it, or maybe delete some. Who knows. I officially give up and am letting it loose into the world! I checked, and downloading your archive all still works the same, AND these Tweets below are hecka entertaining. So, enjoy, and let me know what your favorite old Tweets are if you do this! Newsflash: I have a new author Twitter handle I'd love to have you follow as well: @LaurenWaynecom
In the article, Diane asks what your first Tweet ever was. Mine were RTs — good links but a boring story for the purposes of this post. But my third Tweet made me chuckle:
is once again searching for overdue library items.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 6, 2009
Still true.
Here are some other gems over the years:
I'm taking votes. We're down to 5-10 diapers a week. Cancel the diaper service or is that foolhardy? (We have a small stash but no washer.)
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 29, 2009
We did it.
We just chased a strange cat out of our bedroom. And my son didn't even wake up!
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) June 3, 2009
I remember this! Bizarre.
Told employee at Tully's, urgently: "There's no toilet in the women's restroom!" Um, yeah, left out the "paper" part.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) October 21, 2009
Glad I've documented how socially awkward I am.
1st day w/Diva Cup. Read horror story of it popping out on someone during errands.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) October 29, 2009
So I went to ballet with it and did deep pliés. Gotta put it through its paces.
We are a pirate family. I look a little like an '80s Madonna, Sam like a gymnast, and Mikko like a Jedi, but together we pull it off.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) November 1, 2009
Pictorial proof of our pirate family tendencies:
(Did I mention I had blond hair then?)
(I did.)
Trying to sing lullaby to son. He starts singing along. Loudly. Then directing me to which verses he wants to sing. Sleepiness fail.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) November 21, 2009
Apparently I am not all that soothing.
VICTORY!!! http://bit.ly/6h6HHl #nanowrimo I am so on a writerly high right now! Off to celebrate my WIN!!!!
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) December 1, 2009
Woot!
Mikko scared of sunlight coming in thru crack in curtain. Stopped still, then asked for a hat. Told you we were vampires.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) December 7, 2009
Proof.
I think right before having a bunch of pictures taken is the best time to trim your bangs by yourself.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) December 19, 2009
An eternal truth.
Sam told me these bangs made me look 28, which I accepted happily.
I should point out that Sam thinks Mikko will not do well at all in ballet because he can't follow directions. Don't rain on my parade, Sam!
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) March 1, 2010
This turned out to be very, very true. At 5.5, he still can't follow directions or take a class.
2016 update: At 8.5, he is starting to be able to take classes. Ocasionally. If the teachers aren't too particular.
I feel both my mother and mother-in-law grossly overestimate the number of novelty socks we need.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 1, 2010
Because we all know what the proper amount is.
I told Mikko today, "You're a good kid. I like you." He said, "You're a good kid, too. I like you." Pause. "You're a BIG kid."
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) July 31, 2010
Ha ha!
Who wouldn't want to run errands with a pirate? http://twitpic.com/2mjyiu
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) September 9, 2010
Indeed.
Whoever designed juice boxes should be hanged, drawn, and quartered. It's like their sole function is to squirt juice everywhere.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) September 9, 2010
I got a lot of Tweets back giving me tips for handling juice boxes — like using those holder things or flipping up the flaps as little handles (which my OCD kid WILL NOT let me do). But shouldn't the boxes themselves work as the beverage dispensers they purport to be? Do I need a special attachment to drink from a glass without spilling on myself, or must I reconfigure every cup to be holdable? No. So juice boxes need to go back into the fiery hole from whence they crawled.
There's poutine at some Costcos?? I need a better Costco.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) October 17, 2010
Wait — is there?
Max & Ruby seem to have a grandma who lives elsewhere but no parents. Is anyone else concerned?
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) October 30, 2010
This is fun, because I got a lot of fanciful responses about where their parents might be. I also got grave responses telling me that the author chose not to include the parents because thematically it gives Max and Ruby more autonomy, yadda yadda, of course…. The favorite theory I was given was that Ruby killed her parents so that she could boss Max around without any interference, and her grandmother went crazy from the horror, and that's why she's so childlike and doesn't exert any control over Ruby or Max. That explains it perfectly!
I love when people request "No spam!" As if spammers have great respect for the rules of society.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) October 28, 2010
"Oh? Wait … you don't want my off-brand-viagra pitch? Huh. Well … ok, then. I'll take it elsewhere."
How is it when your child walks into the room and announces, "I don't have to go pee pees," you can be certain the exact opposite is true?
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) November 9, 2010
Better get a bucket.
Let's all bug @blogger for threaded comments & a reply function, shall we? Click the little checkmark: http://bit.ly/cZm0P7
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) November 21, 2010
Hey, it worked! I like to think I single-handedly changed the world here with just one Tweet.
If I have to lean in from the hatchback to buckle my child's car seat, your parking lot is MESSED UP, Admiral Safeway.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) December 4, 2010
The new trend of making parking lots too narrow for cars enrages me.
Yards not feet. YARDS not feet!! I just bought 3x as much fabric as I need. {head desk}
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) December 4, 2010
I still have it, too. Anyone want a blanket?
Me: Thanks for spending time with me today. Mikko: You miss me so much, Mama. Me: I would if I weren't with you. Mikko: I know, sweetie.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) December 4, 2010
Why don't you leave so I can miss you?
Mikko waited till I was on the phone to say loudly, "Mama, why you so pooty?"
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) December 13, 2010
Fair question.
We were joking w/Mikko, "That wasn't me; it was a ghost!" Now he walks around saying, "That wasn't me; it was a goat!"
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) February 14, 2011
Goats can get into a lot of trouble, too.
My son keeps berating us for not taking him to visit his imaginary friend. By airplane. Geez, the guilt!
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) February 14, 2011
I remember Silly Guy! We sort of lost touch with him. Guess we should have gone to visit after all.
I passed my GD test with flying colors! Woot! I didn't MEAN to celebrate by going to Krispy Kreme, but Mikko insisted. ;)
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) March 31, 2011
Heh heh heh.
Pray the Gods of Transferring Sleeping Children From the Car to the House smile on us.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) March 27, 2011
They actually did! Thank you for your prayers.
Fave spam comment of the day: "Your actual writing style is definitely quite neat." Thank you! That's because I type it.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) April 6, 2011
I love a compliment.
Mikko taps me insistently, first thing on his awakening. "Do you like brownies?" Yes. "To eat?" Yes. "I don't. I like lollipops." Ok.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) April 27, 2011
It's important to clear things up.
Yea! I got to meet one of my #childbirth idols: #midwife Ina May Gaskin! http://bit.ly/myouG3 #birth #midwifery
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 14, 2011
That was fun times!
Auspicious fortune cookie for 39 weeks: "Patience is your ally at the moment. Don't worry!"
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 17, 2011
I took it to heart.
Ctx 40 seconds long & 3 min apart. What does that mean? #twitterbirth
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 20, 2011
It means you're having a baby 8 hours later! Now I know.
Am I in my birth pool? No, on my way out to eat. But we're skipping the movie... #twitterbirth
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 20, 2011
Good call.
The lady at Round Table asked how far along. I think I startled her by answering, "In labor." #twitterbirth
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 20, 2011
That was a good salad bar.
Feel awkward calling MW in case way too early--but want her to know to rest & not go on a bender tonight... # twitterbirth
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 20, 2011
In hindsight, should not have felt awkward. The baby was here 4 hours later.
Think waves spaced out for a while. So I (and you) could rest. #twitterbirth
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 21, 2011
Had Sam type this one. I was wrong.
#twitterbirth update: I was going to post LABOR SUCKS, but instead…
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 21, 2011
…I'm just going to say we have a BABY! a BOY! And he's SO CUTE! Only 8/8 lbs (shrimp), 21 inches. Yea, #homebirth!!! #twitterbirth
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 21, 2011
Five days later:
Alrik's umbilical cord tag fell off. Does this void his warranty?
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) May 26, 2011
We totally had to keep him.
Our midwife told us to make sure our baby's soft spot doesn't close up prematurely. Should we jam a stick in there…?
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) June 15, 2011
Isn't messing with baby skulls best left to medical professionals?
Someone complimented Alrik on his "beady brown eyes." First of all, they're blue. Second, seriously? "Beady"?
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) September 24, 2011
I think some people are missing the part that considers the words flying out of their mouths.
Me, exasperated: "Mikko, are you listening?" M, pausing momentarily: "Yes, I hear you — and then you do more talking."
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) October 1, 2011
It's hard to keep track of it all.
Dear neighbors, If you wake up my baby with the stereo you just cranked to 11, I will come downstairs & give him to you to watch. Love, Me
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) October 31, 2011
These are the same neighbors who pound on their ceiling whenever my kids are running around too much during the day.
The state hasn't sent me the access number I need to log in to file my taxes! </uninteresting-rant>
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) January 30, 2012
Just look what you miss if you're not following me on Twitter! You can hear all about my tax-filing woes.
Nothing like starting a road trip by having to pull over and tape up something on your car.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) June 20, 2012
And yet we made it!
Hard to say if the guy who stopped our car at the California border to ask if we had fruit was a govt worker or just a hungry fruitarian.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) June 21, 2012
Once again, I got many responses assuring me that this was a paid employee and telling me all about California's fruit-import laws. Usually people with no sense of humor stick to Facebook.
"Speed checked by aircraft"? Maaaaveriiiiick!!!
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) June 21, 2012
I am the only one who thought this was funny. #topgunforever
Proof that I breastfed on a ferris wheel. fb.me/1vODeJvSz
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) August 1, 2012
They said it couldn't be done.
Mikko: "Please, don't make go upstairs to sleep."Me: "Why not?"M: "Because I'm noctuuurnal!"
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) September 1, 2012
It's true.
Me: "Mikko, could you please be a little quieter? The baby is trying to sleep."M: "No, thank you."
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) October 18, 2012
At least he's polite?
Got annoyed with Mikko for spilling water. Immediately afterward, spilled water. Oh, karma… ;)
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) January 26, 2013
He laughed so hard.
Mikko is now arguing with us that the Earth DOES stop spinning sometimes. Because otherwise you wouldn't see the moon.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) February 12, 2013
And people say homeschooling doesn't work!
What are your go-to remedies for a suspected UTI?
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) February 16, 2013
Twitter docs to the rescue! This actually worked.
Sam has just created paleo bacon chocolate chip cookies. He is a god.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) February 18, 2013
Yup. And I live with him.
I love hearing Alrik pipe up with words like "Pizza!" and "Cookie!" It's like my cat suddenly learned to talk…and is hungry.
— Lauren Wayne (@Hobo_Mama) February 25, 2013
Especially since it's more like "Pee-ssa!" and "Toot-kie!" It's tres adorable.
I have since added another baby to my life and a lot more fun Tweets to my timeline, so be sure to follow along (@Hobo_Mama & @LaurenWaynecom) and let me know where to follow you!
If you download your Tweets, I'd love to hear what your first or funniest Tweets were! Let me know in the comments.
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