2.02.2016

Download all your Tweets

I came across this article on BlogHer explaining the easy way you can now download your entire Twitter archive. Even if you've been tweeting forever, it's nearly instantaneous and well worth the stroll back down memory lane.

For no good reason, I wrote this post back in 2013 and then never published it. I think I just wanted to add more cute Tweets to it, or maybe delete some. Who knows. I officially give up and am letting it loose into the world! I checked, and downloading your archive all still works the same, AND these Tweets below are hecka entertaining. So, enjoy, and let me know what your favorite old Tweets are if you do this! Newsflash: I have a new author Twitter handle I'd love to have you follow as well: @LaurenWaynecom

In the article, Diane asks what your first Tweet ever was. Mine were RTs — good links but a boring story for the purposes of this post. But my third Tweet made me chuckle:



Still true.


Here are some other gems over the years:




We did it.




I remember this! Bizarre.



Glad I've documented how socially awkward I am.



So I went to ballet with it and did deep pliés. Gotta put it through its paces.




Pictorial proof of our pirate family tendencies:


(Did I mention I had blond hair then?)


(I did.)



Apparently I am not all that soothing.




Woot!



Proof.



An eternal truth.



Sam told me these bangs made me look 28, which I accepted happily.



This turned out to be very, very true. At 5.5, he still can't follow directions or take a class.

2016 update: At 8.5, he is starting to be able to take classes. Ocasionally. If the teachers aren't too particular.



Because we all know what the proper amount is.



Ha ha!




Indeed.



I got a lot of Tweets back giving me tips for handling juice boxes — like using those holder things or flipping up the flaps as little handles (which my OCD kid WILL NOT let me do). But shouldn't the boxes themselves work as the beverage dispensers they purport to be? Do I need a special attachment to drink from a glass without spilling on myself, or must I reconfigure every cup to be holdable? No. So juice boxes need to go back into the fiery hole from whence they crawled.



Wait — is there?



This is fun, because I got a lot of fanciful responses about where their parents might be. I also got grave responses telling me that the author chose not to include the parents because thematically it gives Max and Ruby more autonomy, yadda yadda, of course…. The favorite theory I was given was that Ruby killed her parents so that she could boss Max around without any interference, and her grandmother went crazy from the horror, and that's why she's so childlike and doesn't exert any control over Ruby or Max. That explains it perfectly!



"Oh? Wait … you don't want my off-brand-viagra pitch? Huh. Well … ok, then. I'll take it elsewhere."



Better get a bucket.



Hey, it worked! I like to think I single-handedly changed the world here with just one Tweet.



The new trend of making parking lots too narrow for cars enrages me.



I still have it, too. Anyone want a blanket?



Why don't you leave so I can miss you?



Fair question.



Goats can get into a lot of trouble, too.



I remember Silly Guy! We sort of lost touch with him. Guess we should have gone to visit after all.



Heh heh heh.



They actually did! Thank you for your prayers.



I love a compliment.



It's important to clear things up.



That was fun times!



I took it to heart.



It means you're having a baby 8 hours later! Now I know.



Good call.



That was a good salad bar.



In hindsight, should not have felt awkward. The baby was here 4 hours later.



Had Sam type this one. I was wrong.






Five days later:



We totally had to keep him.



Isn't messing with baby skulls best left to medical professionals?



I think some people are missing the part that considers the words flying out of their mouths.



It's hard to keep track of it all.



These are the same neighbors who pound on their ceiling whenever my kids are running around too much during the day.



Just look what you miss if you're not following me on Twitter! You can hear all about my tax-filing woes.



And yet we made it!



Once again, I got many responses assuring me that this was a paid employee and telling me all about California's fruit-import laws. Usually people with no sense of humor stick to Facebook.



I am the only one who thought this was funny. #topgunforever




They said it couldn't be done.



It's true.



At least he's polite?



He laughed so hard.



And people say homeschooling doesn't work!



Twitter docs to the rescue! This actually worked.



Yup. And I live with him.



Especially since it's more like "Pee-ssa!" and "Toot-kie!" It's tres adorable.



I have since added another baby to my life and a lot more fun Tweets to my timeline, so be sure to follow along (@Hobo_Mama & @LaurenWaynecom) and let me know where to follow you!


If you download your Tweets, I'd love to hear what your first or funniest Tweets were! Let me know in the comments.

 
By Lauren Wayne
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